Wherever You Will Go
by Zerasu
Summary: A few years have passed since that fateful night at the amusement park, and Conan begins to question if it's even worth it anymore. Songfic


Disclaimer: Shinjitsu wa itsumo hitotsu! ...Unfortunately the truth is that Meitantei Conan and anything remotely related to it doesn't belong to me or anyone I know.  
  
A/N: Please don't sue me for anything you read in this songfic. Forgive me if anything is out of character or inaccurate, although I think I have a pretty good idea of what I'm doing. Just a warning--if anything's wrong, just point it out rather than throw a fit.  
  
Wherever You Will Go  
  
Steady, white flakes of crystal ice floated slowly down from the sky, coating the streets and rooftops of Tokyo in its shimmering beauty. It was the winter seasons, and naturally the population of Japan--young and old--were preparing for the inevitable holiday that came only once a year. Stores ranging from large malls to tiny convenience stores were packed to the brink with cheerful chatter as people raced to buy gifts for their loved ones before it was too late.  
  
Trailing along a snow-covered sidewalk was a set of small footprints, being formed by the figure of a small boy appearing to be about the age of ten. His steps were slow and lazy, as if he weren't even paying attention to reality at all--and this wasn't very far from the truth.  
  
His brown hair was almost completely covered by a white snow-cap, his bangs protruding just below the edge in their usual fashion. Large blue eyes peered into nowhere from behind a set of thick-lensed glasses, gaze trailing along the ground absently. Yellow, cotton gloves clung to his hands, a thick jacket and pants helping to supress any warmth that could be gained in such frigid temperatures. Around his neck was wrapped a checkered scarf, almost completely hiding his chin from view.  
  
A simple piece of cloth, but this one was special--Ran had made it for him out of fear that he would be too cold. She'd always been that way--always looking out for him; being the overprotective mother-like figure. It hadn't been enough that she'd practically suffocated him in thick layers of clothing, but she'd actually gone through the trouble of making a single addition by herself. It was silly to hold such little things so dear, but what else could he do? He couldn't exactly reach out and hold her the way he wanted to. He couldn't issue tender kisses at will--little things like a simple scarf were the only things he had to hold onto while he resided in such a situation.  
  
Yes, everyone was happy--but Edogawa Conan was desperate.  
  
"So lately  
  
Been wondering  
  
Who will be there  
  
To take my place?"  
  
Anyone who knew the every secret that this small body held so closely would know that this was no ten-year-old.  
  
It had been so long... The years had passed by in torturingly slow segments, eating away at whatever sanity the boy still held. He had been sixteen when he had been force-fed that damned pill that had ultimately ruined his life, changing the great meitantei Kudo Shinichi into a seven-year-old elementary school student under the alias of Edogawa Conan. He was ten now--ten, when he was supposed to be nineteen. Ran was nineteen as well--she had graduated from highschool without him, even if he had been with her every step of the way.  
  
Not that she had been aware that the one closest to her heart had always been with her, under the fake name of Edogawa Conan.  
  
Edogawa Conan.... Conan... How much had he grown to despise that very name that he'd made up from a combination of the names of his favorite mystery authors? He was literally forced to use a name that didn't belong to him--that he no longer wanted. He'd give up everything if only he could return to his normal self; his normal life, his actual name--but most of all, the love of his life. The one he'd lied to countless times--and for what?  
  
That's right. It was for her own safety.  
  
But was it even worth it? Was the simple notion of 'safety' worth the emotional torture they had both undergone in the three years since Kudo Shinichi's mysterious disappearance?  
  
...Of course it was. He could never forgive himself if anything happened to Ran because of his selfish behavior. He could never -live- with himself.  
  
Often times he wondered whether this vain facade was even worth it. He couldn't be there for her the way he wanted to be--he could offer little bits of comfort here and there, but he could never bear his soul in front of her when she needed him most. He could never tell her that everything would be alright--that Shinichi would come back someday. He could never release too much information at a time, for his secret could easily be released once he let down his guard in the slightest.  
  
They would both have to move on. He couldn't be there, but others could--she couldn't hold on to him forever.  
  
"When I'm gone  
  
You'll need love  
  
To light the shadows  
  
On your face  
  
If a great wave shall fall  
  
And fall upon us all  
  
In between the sand and stone  
  
Could you make it on your own?"  
  
When it came right down to it, his emotions were at war with eachother. In no way whatsoever did he want to lose the love of his life, but at the same time he didn't want to hurt her anymore. He wanted to stay with her forever, but he couldn't just leave her with the vain hope that one day, Shinichi might come home. He didn't want her to spend her days and nights waiting on a lost cause--to cry every time he managed to disappoint her in any way.  
  
He wanted her to be happy.  
  
He didn't want to string her along anymore. Was it even worth it? Even he didn't have the slightest clue whether he was going to be normal again or not. In a way, he was waiting too--they were both waiting on a lost cause that could very well never happen. Perhaps it was best to just leave? In due time, she would get over the initial heartache... But continuing to string her along only increased the pain that lingered, and in the end it would never go away. They would both die inside with each day that went by, and they would never truly be able to move on.  
  
If only he knew.  
  
"If I could  
  
Then I would  
  
I'll go wherever  
  
You will go  
  
Way up high  
  
Or down low  
  
I'll go wherever  
  
You will go"  
  
By fulfilling his desire to make his childhood friend happy, though, he would be sacrificing his own happiness and sanity. Through the years of being in the body and under the alias of a child, there had been two key things keeping him alive--his uncanny liking for the toughest, most dangerous mysteries, and Ran.  
  
Ran...  
  
Could he really give up? Could he live without her--her and her constant thoughtfulness, her tender loving care.. She really did take good care of him, whether he wanted to admit it aloud or not. She was only nineteen, yet she'd managed to go through twice as much as any teenager should be forced to go through. She'd learned to love, and just as quickly she'd learned to wait. She'd been emotionally forced into developing a strong patience for everything that had happened around her.  
  
Shinichi was gone, and she was forcing herself to wait for him.  
  
Kami-sama, she was too damned loyal for her own good.  
  
There was no denying it. Even after so many years spent with the girl, he couldn't predict how she would react if he decided to end it all and leave. He wanted her to get over it--that's what he tried to convince himself she'd do, but there was no denying that he couldn't live without her. She was the catalyst that kept him alive--kept him hoping and wishing. He couldn't really throw that away and allow himself to rot in his own guilt, could he?  
  
He'd die emotionally, and perhaps even physically.  
  
Where did he have to go, though? He didn't want to give in and accept the help of his parents. There would be no point--the very thought of leaving Ran was killing him. He wouldn't have the will power to travel overseas, but what else was there to do? By leaving, he would have to leave everyone.. Ran, Agasa, the Shounen Tantei-dan, Ai...  
  
"And maybe  
  
I'll find out  
  
A way to make it  
  
Back someday  
  
To watch you  
  
To guide you  
  
Through the  
  
Darkest of your days  
  
If a great wave shall fall  
  
And fall upon us all  
  
Then I hope there's someone  
  
Out there who can  
  
Bring me back to you"  
  
His breath drew in quickly, before being released in a puff of steam as he stared out at the large house that he once had the right to call his home--back when he really was Kudo Shinichi. The house had been empty for so long.. Since Yusaku and Yukiko had travelled to America to work on novels in Los Angelos, he had been left alone to live by himself. Now that he resided in the Mouri apartment complex, his old house had been abandoned.  
  
He could still remember the way everything was laid out. Of course he could--he'd paid several visits to the old house, but he couldn't even remember the last time he'd bothered. He wasn't Kudo Shinichi anymore--he was Edogawa Conan. He no longer had the right to call the house his own. He didn't really care anymore--living alone had always been lonely.  
  
He could already feel the moisture stinging his eyes as he allowed his gaze to trail to another house that he knew rather well. It was the very house he just so happened to spend much more time in than his own--his next door neighbor. Agasa always had been the one to offer the proper advice as well as handy gadgets that easily saved his life and the lives of the ones he cared about on several occasions. But there was another residing within the house...  
  
Ai Haibara.  
  
For so long, the young scientist had been the one that Conan had harbored mixed feelings for. The girl had been the creator of the drug. She'd been a part of the organization that had done everything to him. This seemingly harmless 'young' girl was, in a way, the very person behind the complete and total destruction of his life. Why -wouldn't- he hold some sort of anger against her after all that had happened--and all that had not happened?  
  
He really had to give her more credit than that, though.  
  
She'd changed. For so many years, she'd been trying her best to make it up to him--she'd been -trying,- and that was more than he could say about other people. She'd managed to present him with a temporary cure. Despite the feelings she held for him that he was only half aware of, she was trying to make him happy, even if that meant him being with Ran.  
  
"If I could  
  
Then I would  
  
I'll go wherever  
  
You will go  
  
Way up high  
  
Or down low  
  
I'll go wherever  
  
You will go  
  
Run away with my heart  
  
Run away with my hope  
  
Run away with my love"  
  
Whether he was aware of it or not, Ai was beginning to surrender to the hopeless feelings as well. After so long, she'd finally begun to realize that she'd lost the fight for Shinichi's heart long before she'd even arrived in their presence. She was beginning to withdraw even more, focusing every ounce of attention on her research. Even if little hope remained, there was one thing she could devote her time to--one thing that could keep her mind off of everything that had, hadn't, and would happen.  
  
And that was finding a cure--if not for herself, than at least for Conan. That was the very least she could do after everything that had happened.  
  
What force was driving them all on? It was hard to tell--heck, it was hard to think clearly after spending so long in the dark. What point was there in going on if all they got out of it was pain and suffering, and the knowledge that it was possible that nothing would change? Unable to stare any longer, Edogawa Conan closed his eyes tightly and dashed headlong down the sidewalk.  
  
His breath was coming in harsh gasps by the time he reached the apartment complex which harbored the Mouri family themselves. His thick glasses were beginning to cloud over as he stared upward at the towering building, wondering absently to himself what Ran was preoccupying herself with at that very moment. A quick glance down to his watch proved that it was 6:00 P.M.--no doubt she would be busy cooking dinner for them.  
  
Maybe even worrying about where he was--both of his identities.  
  
Finally, he could think clearly. The thought of his childhood friend's happy smile--as feigned as it would be--was enough to clear his thoughts and bring him to peace, even if it was only for a few brief moments. Despite the tears that stung his eyes and slid down his cheeks, allowing the cold temperatures to nip more harshly at his skin, a melancholy smile had managed to surface. As hard as he tried, he couldn't possibly leave her.  
  
He wouldn't live, and no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, neither would she.  
  
There would be no point left.  
  
He'd been living a lie for so long, without Ran his existence would be meaningless. If he left, the only thing that would be left to do would be to waste away. He would no longer have the willpower to work on the cases that kept his mind preoccupied. He would be an empty shell of his former self if he were to go without the warmth that was provided by a simple glance, a gentle touch..  
  
He couldn't do that to himself. He couldn't do that to -her.-  
  
"Aishiteru, Ran.."  
  
"I know now  
  
Just quite how  
  
My life and love  
  
Might still go on  
  
In your heart  
  
In your mind  
  
I'll stay with you  
  
For all of time"  
  
Mouri Ran, despite Conan's initial thoughts, couldn't be found cooking dinner at such a time. Dinner had already been made, and a plate was still present upon the table, just waiting for the elementary school boy to arrive home to eat.  
  
Kogoro was passed out somewhere in his own room, yet Ran was wide awake in the livingroom. Having taken a comfortable seat upon the ground beside the table, she was slowly flipping through a book--obviously a photo album--gently running her fingers along the several pictures that were contained within. It didn't take a genius to figure out exactly who she was thinking of as she finally closed the book, holding the item close.  
  
"Shinichi..." Christmas was barely a week away yet again--another Christmas gone by without the one she wanted to be there. His simple presence would be Christmas in itself, if only he would get back from that stupid case that had apparently taken him almost three years already. Honestly, how long could one case take the great Kudo Shinichi? It'd never taken him this long to solve anything before, so why now...? How hard could the case be?  
  
There wasn't much point in dwelling over such a topic. Shinichi had said countless times that he was trying his best, and that he'd be back as soon as he could--the funny thing is, she believed him every time he said it. He just had such a way with words, it was hard -not- to believe anything he said. She'd waited this long, and as hopeless as things seemed, she'd wait longer--as long as it would take to bring that stupid, mystery-loving... "Baka.."  
  
"Baka!" The photo album was hurled unceremoniously at the wall as she folded her arms tightly, using her usual coping method to deal with things. She always did have a knack for taking her frustration out on things, and this didn't seem to be much different. Honestly, he was such an idiot! He must be losing his touch if a stupid case had kept him busy this long. If he was so bent on solving it, was he really putting the case before the ones who cared about him?  
  
He could really be a jerk sometimes.  
  
The moment the book touched the ground, though, she was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of timid knocking at the door. With a frustrated sigh, she pushed herself to her feet in order to walk toward the front door. She was met with mild surprise, though, to find the very ten-year-old boy that she had practically adopted as a younger brother standing in the doorway. "Conan-kun... You know you don't have to knock, don't you? You're welcome here anytime, no matter what Otousan says."  
  
Despite the greeting, a melancholy smile became apparent--the same sort of forced smile that she brought forth whenever she didn't want others to worry about what she was thinking about. The same sort of smile that Conan had long since learned to see through.  
  
"Hai, Ran-neechan.." Conan flashed a smile upward at the one he'd grown to love over time, controlling his expressions with ease. It had taken a while, but slowly he had managed to teach himself how to act even when he was on the point of breaking. He had to keep up his act no matter what--for Ran's sake. "Ran-neechan, I--"  
  
His sentence was cut off, for before he could think he felt himself being wrapped into a tight embrace. He'd experienced this several times in the past, and reacted in the only way he knew how--by hesitantly wrapping his small arms around his only source of comfort. Ironically, at times he was -her- only source of comfort, and this just so happened to be one of those times. "Ne, Conan-kun, you feel cold.. How about you go ahead and eat, and I'll fix us some hot chocolate?"  
  
"Yeah.. Thanks, Ran-neechan." He flashed another smile here, gently pulling away from the one who seemed to need the most comfort at such a time of year. Out of his pocket he pulled a small package, wrapped in brilliantly colored wrapping paper. "I found this on the front step." In dark marker, a simple sentence was written upon the front, and it was signed with inmistakable handwriting.  
  
It was from Shinichi.  
  
The way that her eyes lit up was enough to erase all of his tears, and at the same time she looked very close to crying herself. It was just another Christmas without Shinichi, but he was trying--and that was what made it all worth while.  
  
If only I could be your present..  
  
"If I could  
  
Then I would  
  
I'll go wherever  
  
You will go  
  
Way up high  
  
Or down low  
  
I'll go wherever  
  
You will go  
  
If I could turn back time  
  
I'll go wherever you will go  
  
If I could make you mine  
  
I'll go wherever you will go"  
  
Owari  
  



End file.
